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Wednesday, December 12th, 2007
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1:06 am - I have messed up sleep schedules
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I'm not all that tired since i slept all day due to staying at steves til six in the morning hah we're so odd though and i love his family they're hysterical!
anyways thats not what this is about!!
I finished and passed (duh) Calculus!!! No.More.Math.Classes.FOREVER!!! i decided to share my excitement on here cause although steven was very excited for me and happy for me although he knew i'd happen with his unbelivable optimizim i'm still elated. Its such a relief! and my 18hrs this semester is almsot over just have my ACC final thank goodness its been an intense semester.
The spring semester schedule is amazing compared to fall!
Fall-->
8-12 Parkland for Calc, ACC, and Econ MTWF
1230-330 CERL
4-6 or 4-8 Gaybriens
and then two Online classes but school was 18 credit hours yuck
yuck
Spring-->
10-1 Parkland MWF
2 hrs of CERL a day
and then just 4-6 gaybriens plus earlier on tuesdays and thursdays there since no school
also amazing my CERL wage is going to be upped to 12 dollar hollar
Anyways for the most part, i amm soooo excited to be almost done with parkland with my Business Administration Associates!! :) then its on to the BA wooo. but this little paper althoguh doesnt mean too much its like i haven't just been wastin my time at parkland. hoorah!
Other than school things are swell!
the familys good (after my brother recovered from the stolen car nonsense)
the friends are good everyone got together saturday evening so that was nice
the boy is especially good just silly straightened his hair the other day it was fun
school is good
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| Wednesday, November 28th, 2007
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3:03 pm
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Its been a while since i've written in here, however random thought.
I think that if your eighteen years old, you should be able to do whatever you want in your vehicle that you own. it should be your choice to wear a seatbelt or not. and if your going to make a law about it, let me wear it however i want.
reason for this:: on the way to parkland, i got pulled over for "not wearing my seatbelt" however, jock the policeman i was. Its just ever since i was too short for the accross the shoulder belts, i've always put it behind my arm, its become a habit.
thats all.
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| Thursday, May 3rd, 2007
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12:24 pm
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its like the moments in everyones lives dont mean anything at all. the revelations dont sink in and people are back to before. you think youre as far down as you can go.. theres only up from here.
you swim like your on fire, live like its your last day, drink like its water theres no tomorrow, and you, no one can hear you, raise your hand to be called on, you know all the answers, your the most colorful thing that i've seen, you dance like no ones watching, sing til the song ends then you sing some more, and we can hardly believe it words that flow from your mouth, drink like its water. your the most beautiful thing that ive seen.
things are on the up and up my friends are absolutely amazing. and pretty much hysterically entertaining. summers on the horizon and i'm ready to kick it off. i'm comfortable content and happy. i've got some direction in my life somewhat and i'm enjoying that thought. i dont try to analyze as much as i normally would i'm just taking it for what it is. being very passive, instead of passive agressive and just living my life one day at a time. i'm incredibly excited for michaela and slightly jealsou of her trip to Italy im sure it will be absolutely amazing for her! I found out today that this summer i may get to do some feild work with CERL aka go TDY and do acoustic engineering stuff and go to the desert and stuff. that should be exciting. THe college guys i work with there that would most likely come are random and entertaining. Thank you for the people in my life who understand me and provide me with that shoulder to cry on and person to talk to your advice seems to send me in the direction i need to be in.
gravity, is working against me, and gravity, wants to bring me down, oh i've never known what makes this man with all the love his heart can stand, dream of ways to throw it all away, gravity... stay the hell away from me
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| Friday, April 27th, 2007
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12:35 am - "its like the artist of that song at that time knew exactly how you were feeling"
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alll i can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watchin' the puddles gather rain,
and all i can do is just pour some tea for two and speak my point of view
But its not sane
I just want someone to say to me I'll always be there when you wake
you know i'd like to keep my cheeks dry today so stay with me and i'll have it made
----->
I dont know your face no more, Or feel your touch that I adore
I don't know your face no more, Its just a place, I'm looking for
We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a different world,I dont know your thoughts these days
We're strangers in an empty space,I don't understand your heart
It's easier to be apart
--->
Dont you see, dont you see That the charade is over?
And all the best deceptions and the clever cover story awards go to you.
So kiss me hard cause this will be the last time that i let you
You will be back someday and this awkward kiss that tells of other peoples lips will be of service to keeping you away.
I heard about your regrets, I heard that you were feeling sorry, I heard from someone that you wished you could set things right between us. I guess i should've heard of that from you.
--->
hmm. let love in and be loved.
I Love You. And You. And you.
Funny how your friends can make you forget it all. And just to know they care makes all the petty issues fade away. I have the best friends anyone could ask for.
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| Tuesday, April 17th, 2007
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11:44 pm
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Tragedy brings about reflection. It is all so surreal. In my 18th year of living, death has been brought up more than anyone could ever want or perhaps expect would be a better word, because death well no one WANTS that. It seems like when one shock has subsided, its just in time for another. For just last week i spend the day in Charelston for my Aunt Zellas funeral. And now with the passing of Austin. And i cannot say that we were way close, however i spent time with her, and have fond memoreis of her and knew her and we were friends for a period of time. And she was an amazing person. It always seems that tragedy always takes away the best of people.
I feel for her family, deeply. Although they know now, the worst part of unexpected deaths of individuals is the feeling of uncertainty. Where they involved or not? It brings back the feeling I had after i heard during 9/11 that a plane went into the pentagon adn people died, because my dad was in DC at that time and when hes there, hes in the pentagon. Although it turned out all and well in the end that feeling is the worst. Because its hard when you hear the numbers and read the statistics to be optimistic especially at initial shock. All i can say for all the familys who lost loved ones is i send my condolences.
It is an incredibly strange thought and feeling to know someone your age who you went to school with has passed away. Unexpectedly. It makes me wish to talk to all those who i care about and tell them i love them. So for all of you out there... who i know and love... well I do love you always hope the best for you.
More unsettling of all is that this could have happpend anywhere. this COULD happen anywhere. Because obviously, there are still some out there who id ont know what still continue even after its previously happend.
R.I.P. Austin Cloyd, you will be forever remembered in the hearts of many.
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| Thursday, April 5th, 2007
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12:53 pm
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Its been a long while since i've written in here but right now i'm having a debate with myself.
Career Wise....:
Is it better to do what you are good at but dont nec. love doing and the job outlook is very very good...
ORRRRRRR
To do something you love doing but maybe aren't as good at and the job outlook is only good if u bust my ass...
THoughts/ Opinions
All n All i've narrowed it down to 2 well 2.5 hah
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| Wednesday, February 7th, 2007
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12:11 am
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i dont understand people... i've tried and tried to analyze situations adn figure out why people do what the y do but i cant. so i can no longer try. it just is a big area of space that occupys my mind pointlesly. i dont know why everyone cant get along. youd think at 18 your be able to be mature about situations and i'm not saying i always handle things well however i feel i try. i feel i hold my tongue, grin and bear it and make the best. and like nikki said to me today as cheesy as it sounds i just want everyone to be friends again. i dont understand why we all can't get along. its far too gone for certain situations but its fresh starts and moving on that people should work on. its the forgetting thats hard and we as people know this however is it worth trying? i'm just sad about how certain things went when i had optimism about them. i guess like the song you can't always get what you want... however hopefully to come will be the next part of that where you get what you need? i dont know.
looked at old pictures today which also made me really sad. funny how you can be so close with someone and then like it changes like magic. and your left not really sure what started it all and where it went wrong or how to even go about fixing it.i guess thts why they say you live you learn? who knows. also other pictures made me sad. like nikki also said and why we wish it were summer so badly is because this summer things were perfect.
supposedly everything in life happens for a reaons however i've been thinking lately i dont understand the explaination for lots of things. all thats left i spose it to look to the future and hope for the best. and know somehow it'll all work out for the best.
I have some of the best friends anyone could ask for. and I love everyone latley.
the snow makes me happy. and even one better sledding in the snow. except my tushy hurts cause i went off this jump and landed on the edge of the sled and that was noooo fun.
did i bother you again?...only know how to pretend with a small toy and soap, could you taste my nervousness? could you sense my fear? mouth feels dry and i confess, i dont think that i'll be clear.... i think i should appologize, cause i have made a big mistake. i think i misunderstood and theres too much now at stake.
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| Saturday, January 27th, 2007
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4:18 am
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so its been a while.. a very very long while... since i've written in this
i almost did the other day but i was angry and i hate to write when i'm angry these days because its just a bitch fest of words and such that i dont mean all of. so i resist and save it for personal writing time. Its 3 in the morning and peter just left. our friendship is undefinable and not one which you can place in box of any sort in hypothetical means I didnt do anything this evening. until 1 which is typically too late to call friends and be like heyy lets hang out... but for us it is a norm. we hang out in the wee hours of the morning. it has branched off into more normal times hwoever this is typical.it is a good place to be at. it is the friendship i was missing dearly. the one i had enjoyed so much so and now its better than ever with some strange oddities to it. like that personal touch to a recipe and it delights me.
school is as the general bs of school could be. i go. i do. i leave. today i slept through my alarm. i dont understand it. i checked my phone to see if it was set and it was still set for the same time daily and turned on. somehow i managed to dismiss it, yet not recal doing this action. i requested to steal my parents free alarm clock from work to set across the room for morning wake up now.
work. i am still doing the two jobs deal however am suprisingly broke. christmas this year was costly, but well worth it. CERL is typical. and OBriens is lovely. I Love my job. A rarity among part time workers. not that what i do is so interesting or fun or anything but the people i work with are great. Recently Greg became a sales manager in the mega building and its lovely because hes so goofy. The people just make me giggle. even when they're being difficult.
life. is. going. and i'm for the most part content.
right now that is. i have plenty on my mind. My horomones, unlike before where htey made me sad all the time, have recently made me like more upbeat. i cannot explain it.
my only question riught now is: Why do girls (and i guess some guys) put up with their significant others bullshit? Why do they allow themselves to be the pushover? I understand its hard not to get attached believe me. i definately understand however at the same time the ability to throw it out there on the line and be able to say "i do not have to put up with this shit" is one many lack and is also a good one to have. it comes down to a respect issue. self respect. have some.
I've been down and i'm wondering why these little black clouds keeping walking around with me, i waste time and i'd rather be high, i think i'll walk me outside and buy a rainbow smile but their free. so maybe tomorrow i'll find my way home. maybe tomorrow i'll find my way home. i wanna breeze and an open mind i wanna swim in the ocean wanna take my time for me...
you.make.me.feel.care.free.and.i've.missed.that.feeling.
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| Tuesday, December 12th, 2006
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1:56 pm
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this isn't what i should be doing but frankly my dear i dont give a fuck.
Semester is coming to a close. and its been an interesting one at that.
College. well Parkland. is the same as its always been. its parkland. but i dont believe i could have made a better decision for myself. with the not knowing what to do or even general area to focus on its alright. I enjoy my classes tremendously. well no i take that bad. i really only enjoyed one everday hah. English was okay until the end where i didnt go. because i didnt need to be there. we just wrote papers and in class we talked about nothing it was terrible. Psychology was interesting just cause psych is interesting but my teacher is odd. I loved my classmates in there though. so it was actually not a class i hated to be in. Anthro was probably the best though. it was such a fun class. we talked about so much stuff and it was interesting and didnt make you feel like ughhh its never going to end. then stats was stats. had i not taken it before it coulda been a little better. however thats not the case. i managed to slide by with frequented absences and such. and i know this is a bad habit to get in however, that class killed my spirit for the dya. he just dragged on and on for two hours of madness. ludacris i tell ya.
but thats not what has made this semester an interesting one. its what happend throughout. Its where i started out to where i am now in emotional stability. and its a good place to be at. I am happy. and i have the simple joys in life. i have two of the best friends i could ever ask for surrounded by a sea of other amazing ones and a boyfriend who thinks of me before others. I have big plans with the best of people. and i dont need to be drunk all the time to have a crazy fun time. which is nice to be back at that place. not that i dont enjoy those drunk crazy nights, however at the same time, it had turned into something where well it just wasn't a good trend. and i have a good realtionship with my brother. I love him to death.
i guess overall i have good healthy relationships. and thats a good place to be at. and the boyfriend is splendid. We could talk for hours and hours and hours about everything. we enjoy the same general stuff. minus a few things we like to give eachother crap for. its not pressured its just simple we like spending time with eachother and so we do. and its nice that way. nothing more than the mere enjoyment of eachothers company. we both understand eachother. I have no reason not to trust him because he just volunteers info. I think it helps that he had an older sister and i had an older brother adn that were both close to them. causewell i like doing crazy guy things. i cannot explain its good.
i have much more to say. but i need to get ready for my final. goody. i'm not tooo concerned thoguh. maybe i should be? but whatever. i cannot force myself to learn. and i think i have to pick up pat cause hes lost on a bus. wtf?
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| Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006
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11:21 am
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wow.
i didn't know it would be this easy. i must be insane to complain for one moment that he was too appologetic and too worried about messing up. That shouldn't be a bad thing. right? and its amazing how its simply based on the fact we enjoy each others company. and thats amazing. its not pressured. its not anything its just we make eachother happy. he calls when he says he will. he sends me messages just to ask how i'm doing, or tell me that he hopes i have a good day. He tells me what hes doing when i dont ask. Its like i've learned these things that guys dont enjoy being nagged at or asked about and such from my relationship with peter, and from psychology, so i work on not doing so. and he just volunteers that information. and its nice. i dont have to watch what i say around him, and we can communicate. but probably most important and best of all is we don't take ourselves too seriously.
last night was good. he came over because he was going to be leaving for chicago in the morning to go visit friends & family since its thanksgiving and all. we watched cars and he made fun of champaign while i made fun of chicago. but it turned more into me trying to convince him champaign isn't as bad as he thinks and him telling me chicago is amazing if i knew what i was doing. and i agreed. we talked about just random people and skiing and just non-sense. and it was pleasant. sadly however he'll be gone most the week/weekend. but hes already called me twice. haha so silly.
tonight was also pleasant. pat and i played video games. there was no drama. i ate my pizza and it was a jolly good time. i get way into my video games though
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| Monday, November 20th, 2006
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4:23 pm
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ya know, i didn't think i'd be this happy for a long long time. but alas i am incredibly happy. damn i wasted away my time so i can't really write all that much but i cant stop smiling. Theres this guy whom i'm talking to and i dont know we get along and its fun and playful and he makes me smile. and i get that feeling ya know the nervous but excited feeling you get? and i missed that. I didnt get that w/ peter. which probably should've told me something but whatever thats the past. gosh idk i like how i can talk to him about everything and i like that hes a guy without a communication problem and i like how hes a good influence on me. its like i'm in like middle school again haha. damn. but the nice part is we've talked about us and such so i'm not to concerned. good god boys that communicate are AMAZING
i'm happy. really really happy.
Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Whatever colors you have in your mind
I'll show them to you and you'll see them shine
Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Stay, lady, stay, stay with your man awhile
Until the break of day, let me see you make him smile
His clothes are dirty but his hands are clean
And you're the best thing that he's ever seen
Stay, lady, stay, stay with your man awhile
Why wait any longer for the world to begin
You can have your cake and eat it too
Why wait any longer for the one you love
When he's standing in front of you
Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Stay, lady, stay, stay while the night is still ahead
I long to see you in the morning light
I long to reach for you in the night
Stay, lady, stay, stay while the night is still
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| Sunday, November 12th, 2006
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2:51 pm
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Being single. sucks. and what sucks more than that is that i was okay with it before. so now, not being okay with it, just makes me annoyed. It was just nice having someone there for you. and the worst of it all is the random hookups don't appeal anymore. they used to be just great. i guess thats growing up when you want something more meaningful than just a fling. And its not like theres much i can do to change that, because i wont take the innitiative because thats just not how i roll.
I've met some really great guys that are good to talk to. But i doubt its going furhter. I know the holiday season just makes it worse about feelign alone. pooop. i really know what just frusterates me worse is that i used to be okay with this. i dont want to be codependent.
Blah. It was a nice weekend.
I'd like to close my eyes and go numb,
But there's a cold wind coming from,
The top of the highest high rise today.
Its not a breeze 'cuz it blows hard,
Yes and it wants me to discard,
The humanity I know,
watch the warmth blow away...
So don't let the world bring you down,
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold.
Remember why you came and while you're alive,
Experience the warmth before you grow old.
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| Sunday, November 5th, 2006
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10:14 pm
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i think my least fav. time of the month is coming because i feel over whelmingly bitchy and stressed. so i am sorry if i either seem bitchy towards you or i just cry in front of you. i wish i could help it but alas i cannot. to make that twice as fun i'm getting sinus congestion. and it is no fun. my brain feels likeits floating around in my head, it'd be kinda trippy if i didn't feel like shit. i hate papers. and writing them and reading them. not always just now. i want to sleep forever but i have to edit my paper.
i realized somthing today that i didn't want to realize. i think i knew it, but i just owned up to it. and when i did that, i cried. fuck being emotional i'm not a fan. it makes me feel weak and lame. haha. but sometimes i guess you've just gotta break down.
after talking to him the otherday he is right, being alone and going home alone sucks. I mean not that i'm wanting to go home with random people for hookups i mean that in the sense of it was nice having someone to go home with, like someone to be in a relationship. single life isn't bad but it isn't good. its just life. without someone there for you 247. its independence and as much as relationships can be tough and i've gone through some bad shit in a few of them, the postives out weigh the negatives. Hes a good guy. He makes me laugh constantly. and i just like talking to him and feel like i really can. its nice.
i have that in alot of my friends and again its nice.
This weekend was pretty good, because of the company i was in. I liked going to dinner @ Ko Fusion. Whitney is great! Only sad part is that champaign wasn't too happenin' and thats how champaign is, sometimes you win and got tons of fun shit to do. and sometimes you lose and nothin works otu as planned. sad they came down when things fell through. oh well hope it didn't suck too bad.
i need to stop procrastinating i'm only making more stress for myself.
with this i'll pop some dayquil and get started :)
This song is how i'm feeling and i love it do death. more than the words i love the guitar in it.
You know it ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English
cause diamonds they fade
flowers they bloom
i'm telling you
these feelings wont go away, they've been knocking me sideways, they've been knockin' my out lately, whenever you come around me,
these feelings wont go away, they've been knocking me sideways, ikeep thinkin' in a moment time will take them away, but these feelings wont go away
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| Saturday, November 4th, 2006
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12:56 pm
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First:: I adore Shilpa and I like how i can just talk to her about anything. And it was good to know she agrees that a certain other person is boring and whiny. haha. And i also realized i can be horribly mean sometimes. haha not in a bad way. well i guess being mean can't be good. i dont know what i'm trying to say with that. I guess just that i had fun last night with Shilpa, Meg, her roomate Whitney whose really fun, and Dan and Krassa. And i hope meggie wasn't too upset by my semi mean ness but i was trying to prevent her from making an ass of herself. haha love her.
However Meggie brought up the issue of the Chief. and seemed to get a fire lighted inside of her when i replied that i am ProChief and that its just stupid white people trying to prove something because the illiniwik (sp) aren't alive anymore. so obviously they dont have a say. So i decided to explain my real opinion on such matter. I think that i would be antichief if we really were living in a Politically Correct world. Truth is however, we're not. My main reason for being prochief isn't that i love the chief! and Illini sports wouldn't be the same w/o him. (although it would be sad to see him go)However its that why make us loose our mascot and the school pride that resides in him and address other Native American mascots and leave other things alone? I simply feel if we're going to get rid of these why dont we talk about other schools and how they have offensive mascots as well. and once some action is being taken on those in an effort to make the world PC come back to me. Because truth is, We're NOT going to PC all the time. Its just another thing that people want to bitch about. When there are other mascots like the "fighting Irish" for instance that could be brought to discussion as well. its just a matter of people wanting an issue to fight for. Because I'm Irish. and the fact that the fighting Irish portrays Irish people as fighters is just a stereotype and kind of offensive because i'm not running around getting in fights, nor is anyone in my family with irish blood. In a slightly odd way we're trying to honor the chief, however we may not be doing it 100 percent correctly, its not like we're like oh the chief thats soooo funny lets make jokes about it. I could sya so much more and much more eliquently but thats just to throw that out there. And save your breath if you're going to attack my opinoins, but if you want to offer yours on the issue by all means dive in. Because maybe someone could sway my mind if they present some arguements that were legit and good ones but all i'm gettin is not good ones haha.
So i wont ever be PC, I'll offend some people sometimes, so what? my goal in life isn't to be one of those people who change their words os they dont upset someone. its okay to disagree. It makes friendships interesting especially wheny ou can have meaningfull discussions on the matter.
I Love My Friends. for REAL!
I believe in
The same thing that makes the night become day
Tide and the water
Sons and the daughters
Can't hide it can't fight it
Love
I'm a say it again
It's the same things that makes the moonlight
Meet up with the sunlight
Can't fight it can't buy it
Love
I'm a say it again
When cut deep the same blood we bleed
We're not immune to addiction or disease
Got violent deaths in our family trees
Now it's our turn
Things have been seeming real ready these days
From the North to the South to the East to the West
Happiness is a bullet to your chest
current mood: contemplative
current music: citizen cope
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| Friday, November 3rd, 2006
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9:09 am
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i look like a tardo right now and i like it, i'm totally tempted to go to class liket his cause i dont give a damn hahah. i've got my glasses wearing a grey hoodie, with grey sweatpants and miss matching socks.. like hard core miss matching ones blue and fuzzy the other is boring, but i needed them to sleep cause i couldn't feel my toes. because damnit its freaking COLDDDD and i do not approve. so someone let someone know who controls the weather that this cold crap, its not okay with me.
i've been having strange sleeping issues. i keep waking up freaking out that i slept through my alarm but when i look at the clock its 630 in the damn am. thats happend three times this week... thats enough to call it an issue right? idk what to do about it, its annoying. I've also been having crazy dreams. One time i beat the crap out of someone and i woke up feeling really angry and like tense like i should go to the gym and take out my agressions. And several where i get back together with diff. ex's. I dont know whats going on. i dont like them. hahah. ohh well not much i can do.
I get excited for the weekends always before they even come. I love that feeling.
I went to lunch with Rodrigo yesterday. I love him. it made me feel good to know that we can still talk to each other about whatever. it was nice. And good to talk about remember when shit. I love that guy to death and love how we can just talk about whaatever and i feel so comfortable around him like i dont have to sensor myself its nice.
I feel like something is missing i dont know what it is. thats not to say i'm not happy without this something. i just feel like i could increase my happiness to call it BLISS haha but i think wanting that could be selfish.....
I love my friends and family. my brothers almost 21 and its crazy.... like wtf he can't be that old. crazyness.
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| Wednesday, November 1st, 2006
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12:24 pm - and so life goes on
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well. its life. and its going. and i'm extremely happy.
i look forward to each and every weekend. and i'm getting to know myself extremely well. I mean everyone knows their wants and desires, likes and dislikes, but i'm getting to know myself more in depth. know hwo my mind works and just stuff thats going on. its a good place to be. i do my work. i enjoy my classes. all but stats hah oh well 3 out of 4 isn't bad.
i've realized more and more that continuing with college is the way to go. i've met several people who've got decent jobs that haven't gone but at the same time most of them will tell me that they wish theyw ould've finsihed that or they are trying to go back or went back and it took them 10 years to finish waht would've taken 4. and althoguh they have these jobs that are good, they realize at the same time if something were to go wrong they wouldnt have that thing to fall back on. and i know everyones been told that but, until you've seen it first hand how loosing a job w/o a backup to fall onto messes ruins things, it changes things alot. oh well. maybe its not for everyone but i dont hate it.
i'm glad that i have friends who are always there and i've really started liking some of the new people i've met. I also am really glad that i get along with the people i work with and really love talking to people there. we're all becoming closer. Some people are ridiculous though. kati & justin. wtf. haha both of those two are married. i dont know amanda, susan and i have an amusing time with them.... "so....... whats the deal with justin & kati" "well dont beat around the bush just come right out" special. i'm glad i like my job. CERLs not too bad right now either. i just go and chill out. i almost got three milks the other day haha it was amusing.
I got asked on a date the other day. it was odd. i couldn't cause i was busy but oh well. also other guy asked me for a hug it was so random and awkward timing and its always weird when outsiders bring up when someones hitting on you. its just a strange moment. also it amuses me when people talkt o me cause they saw me at obriens. silly old people.
i've got a new coat. i like it alot.
much more to say.
class to go to now however.
looking forward to hot cider & cap'n hahah :):)
when i say i love you. i really mean it. my friends are amazing i couldn't ask for better ones. my new car is amazing i love it and need to clean it this weekend. schools good i enjoy my classes. i love my jobs. i have money. i get to buy more winter clothes soon. Life.Is.Good. i couldn't ask for more. but theres more that could make it better but thatd just be selfish.
i'm glad to find myself smiling. for no particular reason. like when i got caught in a whirlwind of leaves a big smile crossed my face for no reason at all it didn't remind me of anything it just made me happy. ive been doing that alot lately and it makes me feel really good.
Someday somebodys going to ask you, a question that you should say yes to, Maybe tonight i've got a question for you!
Hope everyones fall is treating them lovely. and if not. dont worry things will be lookin' up soon. trust me once you hit that rock bottom and you think that life sucks... the only way to go is up. and when youre there... its good. cause i've come along way from ebfore.
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| Wednesday, October 25th, 2006
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11:29 am
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and so life continues... and is interesting.
First things first. my english teacher cracks me up. I'm pretty sure by now hes aware that i never proof read my rough drafts or even the dumb little first papers we have to turn in. in the most recent paper i wrote some sentence like "the movie really begins to explain everything" and his comment was just something like "explains the world? explains the meaning of life? explains ..." more things along those lines it made me chuckle. there are more funny things that he writes as comments that amuse me. schools going alright. i'm excited that we have a substitute in stats so maybe he wont be as goddamn boring as our normal one. doubtful however one can hope.
work. is good. this guy asked me to the movies the other day.. it was odd.. i said i was busy and i feel kind of bad cause i wasn't but i thought it was strange. hes nice and all its just idk thats strange for me right now. i haven't quite figured out why. other than that the people at work are nice and fun. I enjoy working with Amanda and i think its cute that her fiancee is the first person she dated... shes lucky like that.
ive got more to say
but i'm being good and going to class for the FULL Time for the FULL week! wahoo i should get a damn medal or something haha
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| Friday, October 20th, 2006
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2:21 pm
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you my friend make me giggle. what were you looking for me to say when you said "i was just making sure you're okay" did you want me to say no i'm not without you i cannot live. well that isn't the case. it may have seemed that way initally however that was partially due to my brain chemical imbalance. what were you expecting? me to do? run to you with open arms and willing you let me screw me over again? you're ridiculous. dont try and explain things i dont give a shit.
asbofreaking ridiculous. GO AWAY! ahha.
um. things are good. i love my job. i love my friends & our meaningful convos. i love talking to him. hes cute/funny/nice. i enjoy our conversations even the awkward ones and how he thinks that 12 isn't too late for late night rondevous. too bad hes in urbana. i enjoy waht we have in common and his "now you have me" haha long story to how that comment came up involving managing soccer + babysitting. but yeah. cute. i also enjoy his ocmments when i was like hmm i think i'm going to bed cause it looks all comfy and warm. "so is my bed." haha idk if you understood our convos youd laugh too. and i enjoy that im not like attached because its not liek that. its just a nice boy to have nice times with.
i also really enjoyed a nice conversation i had with a good friend the other day. the kind we used to have. abotu people and life and old times. and a badass image haha. and the funny thigns remembered from freshman year of high school which feels like so long ago yet not.
i also really enjoy the "Bitchin" CD patrick made me. thats what he titled it. oh and how it wa slike old times stalking adrielle.:) it reminds me of back in the day and the gooood times. :)
fallin' asleep to the sound of stars shootin' round the moon
but i can't watch them fly tonight, baby
i'm too busy watching you
i guess your smile is the sun's way of lighting up what's dark, yeah
so shine, shine, shine, for me baby
it only takes a spark
sweetness in starlight
sweetness 'til the day sighs
sweetness in starlight
sweetness 'til the sunrise, yeah...oh the day sighs
and there's nothin' under these bright stars
that could bring this night to ruin
so hold on tightly to me, baby
cuz tonight's gonna end too soon
and your touch is potent medicine, oh
knocks me out with just one shot, yeah
i've never seen such strong elixir, baby
it fixes all that i'm not
you fix all that im not, yeah
Xoxo :):)
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| Tuesday, October 17th, 2006
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9:36 am
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yesterday i had the most awkward conversation i've ever had in my entire life. it was very very well... awkward. but at the same time it was hysterical. pretty much it went like this:
hey...so how was the other night?...what'd you think about the other night?...yeah well i'd like to see you tonite...
haha idk it was alot more awkward if you knew the circumstances ahahah but it was funny like pee my pants funny. so that was fun. and this is why my weekend was good.. it brought me entertainment in the next week.
I'm going to see him this afternoon and then i think tonight we're going to hang out. weird that hes turning 20 though cause he doesn't even look that old. but whatever hes on the young side of 20 haha. i'm on the young side of 18 no biggie and its not like we're starting this big thing. we're just hanging out. but yet i'm excited because hes pretty ahaha you know, how guys can be pretty. Pretty damn hot :)
my entrys have gotten very shallow all i talk about is party weekends and pretty guys shame on me.
meaningful stuff::: hm not sure if i have anything overly meaningful to say. its funny to hear the guys @ work talk about relationships. like Idris was talking about how he can't add any female friends on facebook or change his main picture to one by himself cause hes gf will be like what? what was wrong with the toher one? are you trying to meet people? blah blah blah. and kurtis agreed but like was talking about having other girls pictures on your phone like not as a bckground or anything just like there. and idk it made me think. i've never been like one of those girls trhats like OMG wtf are you doing talking to them? you can't have female friends! okay i can't say that i've never been like that becuase i was with peter talking to dana *while we were still dating mind you* but of course i guess that was for good reason. but i'm not angry... i couldn't care less.... especially now that i have this new boy to just occupy my mind. nt that its going anywhere its just nice to know that i can call him up and we can meet up haha. good times.
I love you all :):)
i'm happy.
thats good!
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| Wednesday, October 11th, 2006
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11:32 pm
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Stripped Bare left with nothing but your soul & the tears streaming down your face searching for who you really are. How would you define yourself?
Would you define yourself by your name? Like who you were named after, and what it means, and how it was given to you? Do you even know who you were named after, or why your parents named you that? Have you ever thought about picturing yourself with another name? And if you are named after someone do you know them? Are you like them? For myself i've always known that i was named after my mother's sister who died at a very young age. Donna Rae. My mother informed me that she never knew why exactly just that she knew from day one that she was going to name her daughter Donna Rae. I've seen pictures and she always looked content even though she had Lukemia she was always smiling. People have such optimism when faced with death, however when faced with life many are so very pesimistic. Its funny that way.
Would you define yourself by the people you surround yourself with? Do they bring out the best in you? Do they make you a better person? Would the be there for you through everything? Would they have the courage to tell you to your face that you're not being yourself and that you are being annoying and let you become aware of your problems? Are you able to not lose touch even though they're over 300miles away? Does if feel like not a day was missed when you see them again? Would you do anything for them and drop everything if they needed someone to be there? And if they would do that for you, NEVER let them leave your side!
Would you define yourself by what you do? Where you work and go to school? What you enjoy doing and things you participate in? What you've accomplished? What you hope to accomplish? Where your going? Where you want to go?
There are these amazing people in my life. Whom i can have some of the silliest moments ever with, and yet at the same time have some of the most serious talks with. Like life talks. the kind you cherish. The kind of talks i live for and the kind of people who cause me to constantly want more out of life and help me strive for more and make me want to be a better person. And there are these people, acquantiances (SP?) really who iv'e met on several occasions, and we talk, and every time its like we've known eachother forever. its like we are just so open and able to talk and aren't really afraid of our past and our future and how the other is going to take it. And thats what i LIVE for that is what life is about. that is what eveyrthing about. Its having the courage to admit to your flaws, accept the past, and face up to who you were, who you are, who you aren't, and who you want to be. Its being able to really know someone inside and out and know that if they give you advice its really something you should take into consideration.And its that feeling that you get when you meet someone that you dont really know yet you feel like you can trust them with your darkest secrets. Its Life and its BEAUTIFUL. and to be blessed with the chance to have so many REAL TRUE friends in my life is truely a gift.
Theres a point when we reach a point where everything you knew and once knew aren't as they were and they're slowly slipping away from us and we're trying so hard to hold on, but no matter how hard we try we reach a point where finally we have to let go. and that is when you're left bare with nothing. that is when we need to not rely on anyone as a crutch because we can't keep building our foundations on the shoulders of everyone else in our lives. and the isolation and the tears are all good if in the end we make it out alive rather than give up and we make it otu with a better understanding who we've become to be and wether or not thats waht we wanted and how we can cahnge it if thats not what we wanted. and once you've done that you can love like you really mean it, and once you know who you are and your goals and have discovered yourself you can fully allow someone else into yourlife.
This is when you can Create yourself when you need to create yourself, when you MUST. and its good. its all so good. and for me its only the beginging. and i feel liberated. i feel life. i feel the ability to walk alone on a cool autumn day and look at the leaves falling from the trees and every moment of fall immediately rushes into my thoughts and i feel peaceful.And i look at the people on the streets and wonder if they have regrets or if they are at peace and i wonder about their life. and its the times i catch myself witnessing something and smiling because it sparks something inside of me, like my brother discussed one time this contagious smile effect. and do people really deserve a second chance? because i know people can change its just a matter of have they really had time on their hands to fully evaluate themselves? did they want to? are they the type of person who would?
You must love who you are before you are able to love everyone else. Theres is no time for regrets because life can be very short.
Oddly enough my ITunes played a copeland song which pretty much went right along with things after i finished.
-->you feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take
reminding us how far we've come
let the pain burn away from our hearts
we have time to start all over again
but if you would shine youre love down here
and make our hearts as perfect as new
if you would shine your love down here
i promise i'll reflect it right back at you <--
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